The best news EVER!!!!!!!!!!

I am okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After more tests, they've concluded that I have an abnormally large Arachnoid Granulation on the right side of my brain. I am not going to need brain surgery or die!!! Such a tremendous sigh of relief- contrary to the last few days spent between tests, crying and planning my living will (and death) with my husband (who was THE perfect husband the entire time).


Not fun.


So what does this mean to me and my health?
I'll live dammit!!! That's what the hell it means!!!! But we still don't know what caused my stroke, and why I suffer from some vision distortion in my left eye (maybe an after effect of the stroke itself) and why I get debilitating migraines. Something is wrong- but we will eventually exhaust every test until we find out what has happened and why. Once accomplished, I will beat the piss out of whatever it is.


Because I am strong like that.


When you face the things I have faced in the past few weeks (especially the last few days) you find out just what you are made of. Some people wince and cry in a corner; others get strong and tough. I am pleased to announce that I am the latter of the two. Don't get me wrong- I cried, but I was unafraid to face death. Really. I don't want to die...I was just far less afraid then I thought I would be.


I am alive and doing well (just call me Strokey McGee!!).



Now, to you all who have read my blog, written me and said prayers:
I love you all. Every damn one of you!!!!! A zillion thanks to those who have sent me positive thoughts. I felt them! I swear I did. You have made me feel like if I died, I had at least touched the lives of a few. And believe me, that means a lot when you reflect on your time spent here on earth. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, you are all such beautiful people. xoxo


Well now I'm all mushy, and that's a good time to say thanks again for the prayers....

It worked.


*the above photo is my new doll face Maya, She is a face 2/Tami from Realdoll. I took this photo the night before my MRI/MRA (I did it just in case I couldn't shoot a doll for awhile). Don't count me out just yet!!!

My Epicenter....

...is broken.

After my MRI and MRA today, I was told I have a blood clot in a vein on the right side of my brain. The doctor debated hospitalizing me, but decided being home is best for tonight. tomorrow in the early morning I will have another test to allow them to look at every vein in my brain. Currently the clot threatens my vision in my left eye...

I am scared shitless.


*the above photo is of me, taken this Monday after my EEG. The Technician was from Romania, and I am OBSESSED with "Vlad The Impaler"...needless to say this photo shows me in a happier space in time.

The day that changed my life...

A day much like today, except it was a little later in the morning and I was totally clueless that my life was about to change.

Last Tuesday (12/02/08 to be technical) I went to my sink to make a pot of coffee. Without warning, my left arm went wonky. I couldn't feel it. Cold sweats, dizzy, labored breathing- my head felt weird...I had to sit down. Even my bowels became loose. I was terrified and aware of what was happening and trying not to freak out- but I was convinced I was having a stroke.


I was.



The Doctor referred to it as a TIA Stroke or Transient Ischemic Attack. It is a bona-fide stroke, but fortunately it is one that has no lasting effects. My uncle had a major stroke by the time he turned 50. But I am 37. The chances of a reoccurrence within the first month is 4-8%, within the 1st year is 18%. Many people who suffer a TIA stroke, suffer a much larger stroke sometime within their life.

I don't have much to say, as I am totally freaked out and very upset by this. Heart disease runs in my family...I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified...


I am.



What if I can never press the shutter on a camera? Or lift my dolls for a shoot? Or have a baby? Or live to see 50?



I don't want to die, I'm too young. I have things to do.



*the above photo is of my three dolls. I had four but gave one away, somebody said I would have good Karma. yeah right.

HBO's "Real Sex"...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Tia and Suki...

...part deux.

Because this one is my favorite.


*the above photo is of Tia and Suki doll.

Haute Couture...

...okay, not really. But it does remind me of something you might see in a French Fashion magazine. Nipples and all...

Vive La France!!!!




*once again, the beautiful Suki doll

Switchin' it up, huzza...

I was in the mood to shoot as if I were doing a celebrity portrait, maybe a pretend Blender magazine cover, or Giant magazine. Hey! Don't laugh, I can dream can't I??? One thing that is a constant in my mind, is my desire to do highly stylized (i.e.jacked up) celebrity portraiture.

I would LOVE to shoot Lil' Wayne, or Jessica Simpson (yes, I said Jessica Simpson...she's hot- so fuck off!!!!) even a lesser known Cassie is on my "shoot wish list". Shooting celebrities will likely never happen for me, despite the fact that two celebrities live right in the apartment upstairs....why would they shoot with me? I have zero references from anybody who might be considered a celeb. So what's a girl to do?


Not much.


I can start to shoot some commercial shit. Say it with me folks, "Commercial Shit". Because that is precisely what commercial photography is to an artist. At least it's shit compared to...let's say fashion photography for instance- which tends to be highly artistic. I can safely assume a lot of my work is too edgy for most celebrities, though I do feel like musicians are a bit more open minded when it comes to PR shots. Hence the desire to shoot for magazines like Giant or Blackbook.

Whelp...in the never ending quest to become a well known and desired photographer, I must shoot for the masses. I used a model I have shot with before and I totally made her look like a quasi pop star. Since these days almost every magazine is using white seamless, I whipped out my paper and went to town.

This is the result:



I am sure there are ten thousand things wrong with it...but I love these photos none the less.


*the above photo is Tia, and in case you're too old to know what's on her teeth...it's called a grill, or GRILLZ! And they have been around for a very, very long time. I love grillz. Hell, I liked em' back when they were called "fronts".


AND...............just so your head doesn't hurt from the commercial stuff, here is Tia in an artsy photograph:



*the above photo is Tia with my doll Suki. Suki is available @ http://aidoll.4woods.jp/

ouch!!!

...hurt me baby girl! This is Carolyn. She is 18. She is perfect.

that's all.




:)

and then there was...

*the above art was done by me while I had the flu this past week. Ramona was a girl in my gym class when I was in High School- I still paint her to this day. She was absolutely flawless, like a living doll.

I Love Leon Washington...

At 5'8" and 202lbs. (small in stature according to industry standards), number 29 of the New York Jets is by far my FAVORITE player!!!! He is such an amazing talent- smart, fast, determind. I worship the guy...

...that's all I wanted to say.
: )


*the above photo is my silicone Japanese goddess, Suki.

Hiroo, you rock!

Olives in your anus...

Did you ever have a waking fantasy? I have them often, I'm demented because of this- so I'm hoping I'm not alone. I have noticed one thing: the less sex I get, the more frequent my fantasies become. Here is a perfect example of a waking fantasy....

My husband (who I am still attracted to, despite the fact it's unrequited) came into the kitchen to grab a handful of Calamata olives (hey, we're Italian!). He had a faux-hawk from sleeping, and two day facial stubble...pure hotness! The sick bitch I am, I pictured him naked on all fours on the kitchen floor while I slowly put olives in his asshole. I actually bursted out with laughter, he asked me what was so funny and I told him.

He was not amused.




*the above photo is my new doll from a Japanese company called 4Woods, I have named her Suki...and she is obscenely hot. Like wow hot. See the 4Woods line up of dolls here, soon my photos will be featured on their website too:


www.aidoll.4woods.jp

Word up!

...saw this headlining on AOL today and I couldn't agree more. They can start by finally publishing my Employee of the Month feature, as a doll photographer. Or they can publish a doll pictorial shot by me (they have a mock up of my book and Hef is scared of the dolls!). Anyway, here is the article (click the pic for full size):

sexual dirt...

...this series is as raunchy as it gets. But you won't see it here. I shot this series of a RealDoll ™ with a realgirl a few months ago, and only recently got around to retouching the final edits. I still have seven more to go before I am done!! These are by far the naughtiest photos I have EVER taken, and the model is STELLAR for having the guts to do things like this. Her name is Isobel Wren, and she has a pay site bearing the same name. I assume that these photos will be available to view for a membership fee, and deservedly so!!!





I have to take a breather between retouching the photos...hell, I have to take a cold shower!!!!!





is it hot in here?




*the above photo is Isobel Wren , and the series is actually in color. You can see LOTS more of Isobel @ www.IsobelWren.com

thanks...

...for the advise and kind words everybody. It's nice to know you guys are out there and that some of you can relate. Those that can't- you're better off!!! Anyway, the husband and I are still all weird...I miss "us".


What the hell is happening?


so...

Let's move on shall we???? I want to talk about my newest doll face. She is a BoyToy seasons, Autumn. I received the first one, with the task of photographing her for the BoyToy website (www.BoyToyDolls.com). I will confess right now, that I think this is the prettiest doll face I have seen yet. She reminds me of so many beautiful faces that I have seen before all rolled into one. Her wide set eyes are very Kate Moss, and the fact that they're light brown adds to the dreamy look.










* the above pics are of my newest hussy, Roxanne Malone.

deeper into the abyss...

Sometimes things just go wrong. Not because of any fault of your own- they just do.

I don't know why I give a shit, but tonight something happened that I found to be very hurtful. First a brief history lesson: I grew up in Brooklyn and we were never rich. In New York city the rich rub noses with the rich, the poor, and everything in between. Currently I live in a wealthy area of NYC where people have more money than you can fathom. I don't fit in with the label whore/ Park Ave. Princess type rich folk, because in my core, I still feel like the girl from Brooklyn who never had too much (or even enough for that matter).


Cut to tonight...

In the local gourmet grocery store armed only with a gold American Express, I bought some groceries for tomorrow. Maybe because it was 11:30 at night, maybe because I was wearing sneakers and jeans. Regardless, I don't know why but the lady accused me of using stolen credit cards. I was never so instantly angered and hurt all at once. Why did she assume I was a criminal? Could she tell underneath it all that I was just a poor kid from Brooklyn? She told me she would no longer accept credit cards from me.

There I was in jeans and sneakers, wearing 2 karat diamond earrings and a wedding band that would blind you. Unconfident (from my recent bout of depression) and shaken I yelled at her, "Are you kidding me? Lady, I'm rich!". Just then my doorman came in (his shift wasn't for another 30 minutes). I felt like an asshole for saying that- but I was really hurt and extremely embarrassed. That has never happened to me in my life. Not even when I actually was broke.

I left the store and began to cry on my walk home. When I came in and tried to tell my husband what happened, he didn't even look up from his newspaper to feign interest. I didn't get four sentences out, or to the part where she was horrible to me. I just stopped talking, left the room and went into my studio. I began to cry so hard it hurt my tummy, and he still never came out to see what happened (even though I prefaced the whole thing with, "something awful just happened to me"). Couple that with the sex that I get once a month, and you'll know why I'm a mess right now.


I used to be forbidden to discuss my marriage here in this blog, but he doesn't even read it anymore.






ouch.


*the above photo is of Amy again...she has that whole Marilyn Monroe thing going on in this photo- a certain vulnerability we all have.