Sunday, October 12, 2008

deeper into the abyss...

Sometimes things just go wrong. Not because of any fault of your own- they just do.

I don't know why I give a shit, but tonight something happened that I found to be very hurtful. First a brief history lesson: I grew up in Brooklyn and we were never rich. In New York city the rich rub noses with the rich, the poor, and everything in between. Currently I live in a wealthy area of NYC where people have more money than you can fathom. I don't fit in with the label whore/ Park Ave. Princess type rich folk, because in my core, I still feel like the girl from Brooklyn who never had too much (or even enough for that matter).

Cut to tonight...

In the local gourmet grocery store armed only with a gold American Express, I bought some groceries for tomorrow. Maybe because it was 11:30 at night, maybe because I was wearing sneakers and jeans. Regardless, I don't know why but the lady accused me of using stolen credit cards. I was never so instantly angered and hurt all at once. Why did she assume I was a criminal? Could she tell underneath it all that I was just a poor kid from Brooklyn? She told me she would no longer accept credit cards from me.

There I was in jeans and sneakers, wearing 2 karat diamond earrings and a wedding band that would blind you. Unconfident (from my recent bout of depression) and shaken I yelled at her, "Are you kidding me? Lady, I'm rich!". Just then my doorman came in (his shift wasn't for another 30 minutes). I felt like an asshole for saying that- but I was really hurt and extremely embarrassed. That has never happened to me in my life. Not even when I actually was broke.

I left the store and began to cry on my walk home. When I came in and tried to tell my husband what happened, he didn't even look up from his newspaper to feign interest. I didn't get four sentences out, or to the part where she was horrible to me. I just stopped talking, left the room and went into my studio. I began to cry so hard it hurt my tummy, and he still never came out to see what happened (even though I prefaced the whole thing with, "something awful just happened to me"). Couple that with the sex that I get once a month, and you'll know why I'm a mess right now.

I used to be forbidden to discuss my marriage here in this blog, but he doesn't even read it anymore.


*the above photo is of Amy again...she has that whole Marilyn Monroe thing going on in this photo- a certain vulnerability we all have.


Mihailo said...

Dear Stacy,

I know you loved him when you married him, so please, don't be offended when I tell you that he is an asshole.
To see any women cry and do nothing is an offense, but to see a women you supposedly love cry and do nothing... well, that is just something a true man don't do.
I have been reading your blog for quite some time and I don't presume to know you, but I hope I understand at least a little about you.

Life wasn't a picnic for you, and although you are projecting a lot of confidence, what you desire is somebody who will live and protect you - no matter what.
For him not to understand this is strange, to say at least.

While I was reading this entry, I really wanted it to end by your husband going to the store and giving hell to that bitch, but...
Well, that is something many of us who read your blog would do.

My advice is - change the store you buy groceries at, apologies to the doorman, and think about your future with that man who is calling him self your husband.
I know that being alone sucks, but would it be any different from where are you now?

Regards, love and support from,

Tanya said...

Ahhh... I love when people use blogs as i do, Most people have a fear someone will find their inner secrets on the web, and i say so what if they do, they might treat you with more compassion if so.

Love and infatuation fades, but compassion shouldn't. I know most women out there in relationships over 4 years may feel the " I'm in a relationship but i feel alone" syndrome.

Seems common for people to be haunted by their past, especially when it comes to class and how we are perceived and if we carry shame or embarrassment about it.

It's not really your problem if you are harboring those feelings deep in your stomach, It's really the problem of being treated equal and having the same respect no matter what your credit line is. Customer Service pretty much sucks, and judgments are passed way too often. Reminds me of the scene with Julianne Moore in the drugstore on Magnolia.

Sweetie i feel ya, i come from nothing and my family history and current status is something i don't wear on my sleeve. and every day all i do is try to be perceived and respected as the individual with no past or family.

but ya you should be hurt if your man can't provide you with a shoulder never mind intimacy in the bed room.
But we are here, and were reading and we obviously care to hear what you have to say and think.

Tom Trio said...


Guys get the same thing from women. If you and I took a pol, we would not be alone. I don't say this to trivialize your feelings, they are real, and they hurt. But, do what an older guy would do. Let Butchie pay the rent while you go off to be the next Helmut Newton. (I think Chip is the next Tony Ward, only better. You, my dear, are the next Helmut Newton!) Love will come around again, it always does. But, don't let your talent be stifled by anyone. (Go listen to Ani DiFranco's Not a Pretty Girl and you'll be back in action before you know it ;) Smile, cry, then go create sumpthin'. Regards, T

Jessie said...

I wish I could give you the biggest hug ever. Chin up darlin..

bt said...


Sorry to hear of both situations.

I know you vicariously through your blog and others. You deserve happiness, respect and understanding....we all do.

Hang in there…


Orixx said...

I think it's really brave of you to put something so real in a blog that anyone can read.. most people's blogs are very censored. That being said, after a day like that you have every right to vent. *Hugs*

James M Graham said...

you know i love you...

Fargo said...

Hi Stacy.

I don't really post comments in your blog that much, and I know I'm several days late to post an answer to this last entry of yours, but regarding your husband and how he seemed pretty much uncaring for what you went through, well... you and him need to have a serious talk, whatever he was reading in that news paper couldn't have been as important as his wife's feelings, granted that I'm not married, but even I know that a marriage should be all about understanding each other, and if your intimacy with him has been going downhill then something could be seriously wrong that needs to be discussed...

Oh well, what do I know?... just hang in there, Stacy!

Eric Uys said...

Hi Stacy

I have been following your blog in the dark for a while now.. I really love your work and your unique style of capturing beautiful women, which happens to be one of my favorite subjects. Hope you don't mind me imposing but I find it very sad that your personal life is so wrought with dispair, you are such a beautiful artist, both physically and talent wise it pains me to see you like that. BUT, you gotta ask yourself some deep questions, why is happening to you, because you want it to. You are in control of your own life and allow things to happen to you that you think you deserve..

Ok that's enough for now, I gotta stop preaching to people!! *Note to self noted..

Feel free to look at my work, Im pretty good myself :) and I'm also always shooting nude self portraits of myself! ahaha, whats up with us photographers and that??


Jay Bowman said...

Damn, Stacy. You don't deserve that from either end. I know people have previously said it and the things a random person like myself would say are only arguably meaningful...

...but it's the truth. You don't.

I know this was written a while back but... whatever. I'm always late as fuck...

carpo . animus said...

This hit real close to home w. me. I truly hope the best for you.


Daniela Victoria said...

this is me calling you...

and probably leaving you a message since your phone is probably downstairs and you're probably in front of the computer and will realize that I called you by reading this before you find your phone.

I love you.