Monday, March 30, 2009

I'm bringing sexy back.....

I missed being lighthearted.

Something clicked inside of me today. I had a very personal moment with myself and now I feel the need to cheer the fuck up.

*the above photo is Suki, my favorite doll..........for now

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Comfortably numb...

I want to thank all of you who have left comments on my previous blog. You all have no idea how nice it is. Seriously, thank you.

So, I've had my moments but I am strong. And in the end I will be fine.

Here's what I know thus far: I have been misdiagnosed once already, but now know that I have a medium sized hole in my heart. The teensy blood clot that caused my TIA stroke probably traveled through the hole- up to my brain and into the right side somewhere. That was life's little warning for me. I think it was the best possible outcome (if your gonna' have a stroke, that is!). They will close up the hole through surgery.


I also have a slightly enlarged right ventricle which I am more concerned about than the hole in my heart. The right ventricle of the heart pumps blood to the lungs. Conversely the left side pumps blood to the rest of the body. That spooks me quite a bit because an enlarged right ventricle is often caused by an underlying disease. Most of those diseases are fatal.

Wish me luck.

I am nervous to find out the results of the most recent barrage of tests. I find out more this coming Tuesday....I can assure you the worse the news is- the longer it will take me to post about it here. It's been taking me a bit of time to adjust to this new chapter in my life, a disease would be a tough pill to swallow....but so is life.

Now I want to talk about something that has secretly been freaking me out....

When you face your own mortality, you go through some odd emotions. I began to google all of my old friends, some I have mentioned here and some I have not.

One friend in-particular was Patty. She and I shared the same birthday (September 10th) and were in the same homeroom but different grades. When I met Patty I was already in my 2nd year of high school. David (whom I've mentioned before) and I were already best friends since the summer before I turned 13. David went to a different high school than Patty and I did, but we all became fast friends. It didn't take long before we would become completely inseparable. The Three Muskateers to the end!!!!!

But Patty simply woke up one day (she was 19 and I was 20) and decided she was done with me. Our friendship ended for no reason. None. I still wonder to this day, why she turned on me. I never did or said anything to hurt Patty, I loved her. I honestly think she became jealous of me. Anyway, David and I remained friends for a few years longer, as I watched him helplessly throw his life away to heroin.

Well, I googled Patty first and found her name on FaceBook. I thought to myself, maybe she actually did become a lawyer and that she was married with kids or something. I quickly reactivated my account and clicked on her link. What I read was heart breaking. She had passed away in 2002 at 29 years old. I searched the internet for any information on her that I could find, but there was none. I later found out she too had starting shooting heroin and subsequently died because of her lifestyle. I will never know the whole story, only that she threw her beautiful life away and I was very sad to learn of it.

Next I googled David. He had been trying to contact me since we last spoke on September 13th 2001. He had called from Malta to make sure I was okay after 9/11. I told him I was engaged and a stockbroker, and he was really happy for me. He wasn't as fortunate as me. His life was still a mess. I hung up and knew we'd never be friends again. In 2006 I started receiving emails from various websites that David was searching for me...but I couldn't look back. I was at a beautiful place in my life.

Anyway, I searched his last name on Facebook just as I had done with Patty. I found his youngest brother Darren. I wrote Darren a note and requested his friendship. Here is the initial exchange:

Needless to say, I broke down and spent the whole day crying on and off. So sad. God I loved that kid. I loved him like he was my blood. He will forever be missed and mourned by me.

So there you have it.

They are both dead.

*the above photo is Patty, David, and me at the Lincoln High School Prom (I'm the midget on the right with my eyes closed). I didn't attend Lincoln anymore, I transferred to private school. David was the only guy at the prom with two dates. He was so fucking adorable...all flossy! He rented a Limo and bought both Patty and me flowers. Good times.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Emotionally frail, like a child....


My health is not great right now. I will write more when I can...right now I am a hot mess. The bad news is about my heart. I could live with a bad heart for awhile, or I could die any second...who knows. The heart is weird like that. That is a fact. My heart caused my stroke. That too is a fact. I might need heart surgery...that remains to be seen.

Please understand I am scared, but I will adjust.

with love,

*the above photo is me photographing Daniela V., this pic was shot almost a year ago in much happier and less frightening times.