Saturday, December 20, 2008

The best news EVER!!!!!!!!!!

I am okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After more tests, they've concluded that I have an abnormally large Arachnoid Granulation on the right side of my brain. I am not going to need brain surgery or die!!! Such a tremendous sigh of relief- contrary to the last few days spent between tests, crying and planning my living will (and death) with my husband (who was THE perfect husband the entire time).

Not fun.

So what does this mean to me and my health?
I'll live dammit!!! That's what the hell it means!!!! But we still don't know what caused my stroke, and why I suffer from some vision distortion in my left eye (maybe an after effect of the stroke itself) and why I get debilitating migraines. Something is wrong- but we will eventually exhaust every test until we find out what has happened and why. Once accomplished, I will beat the piss out of whatever it is.

Because I am strong like that.

When you face the things I have faced in the past few weeks (especially the last few days) you find out just what you are made of. Some people wince and cry in a corner; others get strong and tough. I am pleased to announce that I am the latter of the two. Don't get me wrong- I cried, but I was unafraid to face death. Really. I don't want to die...I was just far less afraid then I thought I would be.

I am alive and doing well (just call me Strokey McGee!!).

Now, to you all who have read my blog, written me and said prayers:
I love you all. Every damn one of you!!!!! A zillion thanks to those who have sent me positive thoughts. I felt them! I swear I did. You have made me feel like if I died, I had at least touched the lives of a few. And believe me, that means a lot when you reflect on your time spent here on earth. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, you are all such beautiful people. xoxo

Well now I'm all mushy, and that's a good time to say thanks again for the prayers....

It worked.

*the above photo is my new doll face Maya, She is a face 2/Tami from Realdoll. I took this photo the night before my MRI/MRA (I did it just in case I couldn't shoot a doll for awhile). Don't count me out just yet!!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

My Epicenter.... broken.

After my MRI and MRA today, I was told I have a blood clot in a vein on the right side of my brain. The doctor debated hospitalizing me, but decided being home is best for tonight. tomorrow in the early morning I will have another test to allow them to look at every vein in my brain. Currently the clot threatens my vision in my left eye...

I am scared shitless.

*the above photo is of me, taken this Monday after my EEG. The Technician was from Romania, and I am OBSESSED with "Vlad The Impaler"...needless to say this photo shows me in a happier space in time.

Monday, December 8, 2008

The day that changed my life...

A day much like today, except it was a little later in the morning and I was totally clueless that my life was about to change.

Last Tuesday (12/02/08 to be technical) I went to my sink to make a pot of coffee. Without warning, my left arm went wonky. I couldn't feel it. Cold sweats, dizzy, labored breathing- my head felt weird...I had to sit down. Even my bowels became loose. I was terrified and aware of what was happening and trying not to freak out- but I was convinced I was having a stroke.

I was.

The Doctor referred to it as a TIA Stroke or Transient Ischemic Attack. It is a bona-fide stroke, but fortunately it is one that has no lasting effects. My uncle had a major stroke by the time he turned 50. But I am 37. The chances of a reoccurrence within the first month is 4-8%, within the 1st year is 18%. Many people who suffer a TIA stroke, suffer a much larger stroke sometime within their life.

I don't have much to say, as I am totally freaked out and very upset by this. Heart disease runs in my family...I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified...

I am.

What if I can never press the shutter on a camera? Or lift my dolls for a shoot? Or have a baby? Or live to see 50?

I don't want to die, I'm too young. I have things to do.

*the above photo is of my three dolls. I had four but gave one away, somebody said I would have good Karma. yeah right.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

HBO's "Real Sex"...

They've been talking to me about participating in a segment on silicone love dolls...

Pretty fucking full circle, huh?

After all, that is where I first heard of these beautiful things, known as Realdolls. Who knew a decade later I would be working with a few different doll manufacturers as the premier sex doll photographer.

As as wise man once said:

Life is good...

*the above photo is of my newest concubine, Shane. She is the "Stacy" face from Realdoll, and you can see more of her at