she just likes to fight...

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I'm better, but worse...

     I feel better.

     I need to post photos I have shot and not shared anywhere. Where else could I possibly post this shit? 

     What if I told you, that I don't care anymore.

     I don't care if I get my work in a gallery. I don't care if magazines publish my work. I don't care about getting my work in a coffee table book by Taschen. I don't, I just don't care anymore. I'll do what I do, because it makes me happy. I will shoot for Realdoll... but beyond that, I don't care. And honestly, why should I?

     

     It still echos in my head today... Years ago my friend Chip Willis told me that my work isn't for everybody. He said it's for one in ten, not ten out of ten. I finally think he's right. I am so sick of flogging a dead horse. My arms are tired. I give up.

     I don't care anymore.

hugs and kisses,
Stacy

ladies who lunch, wasting time

* the above photos are of two wonderful dolls called Sybarites. you can buy your own at www.superfrock.com

hey...

     It's spring, and it's cold outside. I'm thinking I should make a post.



     Lots has changed, but I am still me. I need to warm up to the idea of letting it all hang out again, though I'm sure nobody is reading anymore. That's okay, because this was always here for me to chronicle my existence. I can share a secret with you, maybe that'll help to break the ice...

   
     I love the show 'Jerseylicious'.


     Pure lunacy, I know. But there is something about those gaudy girls that I can't get enough of!!!!! It's got to be the Italian blood coursing though my veins that first attracted me to the show... but here I am, a bona fide fan. ugh.


     So besides my complete lack of taste in television, I've been painting on canvas again. I still take photos every single day, but now I also paint. I needed it after my Mom died. An outlet if you will. I have a few pieces that I'm concurrently working on, but I've needed a break from that too. I've been sketching and creating other art with photos and paint markers. Just a bunch of weird shit. I've turned to art BIG TIME to help move on with my life. Galleries, museums, books about art history and collecting. I've even added a new addition to my small collection. It's a huge photograph from the artist Paulo Ventura.

An edition of ten from the series 'Behind the Walls' by Paulo Ventura

www.pauloventura.com

     Other things are happening too. I have some serious health issues, but I don't want to talk about it. Every day is a gift. Every fucking day. Since my issues with my crappy health have arisen, I've been shooting the love dolls and people a little less. But in the last few weeks, I have been ready to get back into it full swing despite my body's failures.



I've missed you.


xoxo
stacy

Stoic and strong but now she's gone...

My Mom passed away on Monday September 26th. She took her last breath while I was holding her in my arms. I watched her suffer for those last few days, and it will take me a long time for that visual to dull to the point where it doesn't rip me apart.

Today was her funeral.

I miss her already...

*the above photo is of my Mom when she was about 17. I've always loved this picture of her. Glad the boyfriend called me, because she told him not to. My poor little Mom, she was trying to protect me.

Man plans and God laughs...

My Mother spoke those words from her bed in the ICU... So much for paradise. The day after my last blog entry my mother suffered several seizures and was rushed to the hospital. I flew down to Florida the next day to be by her side. She was there visiting her brand new "recycled" boyfriend. I call him recycled because he was her very first boyfriend ever. They were together when she was 14 and neither of them ever got over one another. We later found out he had been searching for her for years, but he was looking under her maiden name. Anyway, I digress...

Two days after I arrived, while she was in the ICU she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She suffered the seizures because the cancer had metastasized EVERYWHERE... to her brain, her nodes, her spine (which she lied to me and told me it didn't) you get the picture. Needless to say I am completely heartbroken as losing a parent is hard enough, but to know they will be suffering until the end is devastating. This was all very shocking for me as my Mom is 59 years old, I thought we'd have another 15 years to get under each others skin. Cancer is a horrible disease as we all know.

I watched my Grandmother die from lung cancer. I took care of my Grandma until she needed at home hospice. It was one year for my Grandmother- from diagnosis 'til death. It was the day after her funeral that I myself quit smoking cigarettes. My Grandmother made me promise to quit on her deathbed. And my husband (a boyfriend at the time) in an attempt to help me further- told me it was the cigarettes or him. I would never dishonor my Grandmother, so I gave up cigarettes. I remember begging my Mother to quit then. I wish she did, but even so that is no guarantee that she would have thwarted off cancer. Lets face it, it's either cancer or heart disease but we all eventually die. That is the cycle of life, as much as it hurts.


My Mothers prognosis was NOT good. She received 10 full brain radiation treatments and has since started her chemotherapy. Unfortunately chemo lands her in the hospital every time. She called me on my 40th birthday (september 10th) to wish me a happy birthday, and she could barely speak, it sounded like she was drowning. I have begged her to come home to NYC and let me take care of her, but she won't. I would happily do it, but she wants to be with her boyfriend. I am not thrilled about it, but it's her life and who am I to tell her how to face death. We all have our own way of coping. She doesn't want to talk on the phone, so I have been relegated to texting- at her request. She won't text/talk to anybody in the family... She is one of five siblings and they all love her but she doesn't want to deal with anybody except her boyfriend.

And that includes me.

The last time I got to see my Mom was the last week of August. I have asked her every other day to please let me visit her again. She tells me no, or just doesn't text me back until the next day. I certainly don't want to piss her off by pushing myself on her, but I don't know what to do. I fear I will never hold her again. Or look into her face, and that makes my heart break into a million little pieces. If I keep pushing she will shut me out completely like she did with her brothers and sister.

Her "recycled" boyfriend and her got together in April, and she's already made him her medical proxy. That scares me, who is this guy?? Why is she doing this? I just don't understand. Part of me thinks it's the tumors in her brain. She can barely write anymore (if at all) and she has other issues that are presenting as time goes by. Maybe that's why she wants to hide away from me. I sent her this email earlier today, as her texts to me in the last few days have gotten shorter and shorter. Today she texed me two words. Just two little words. "Yea Jets!"

Dear Mom,

I know that you are facing the toughest and most important battle you will ever face. I am truly sorry for you and wish with all my heart that this had not been the hand you were dealt. I understand that it is your life and I respect you for every decision you've ever made- wether I agree or not. I have to say that this happening 1500 miles from home was both a blessing and a curse... It allowed you to survive what would have surely been the end (the seizures) had you been home alone. The curse, is that I'm here and am literally out of the circle even though I am your flesh and blood.

When you were admitted to the hospital a couple of weeks ago, nobody told me. I'm not sure if that is what you really wanted- or maybe it's extraneous circumstances that is prompting that decision, but whatever it is I just don't understand why. Are you trying to protect me from seeing you ill, or do you really want me to leave you be with just Joe? I wonder every minute of every day why I don't get to know what is going on, or more importantly get to see you or even hold you. This is very painful for me, I dare say more so than anybody who knows you. You are my Mother. I came from your womb, don't you get the depth of my connection to you?

it runs as deep as my DNA.


Please let me see you. Even if it's only for one day. Please let me know how much time you have left. Please let me in.



I love you,
Stacy



I don't know where her health stands as of today- but if the prognosis is right, Christmas is really going to suck this year. I'm hoping and praying for a miracle, but I'm pretty doubtful...

As an aside: Her new recycled boyfriend hates me (get in line buddy!!!! There is a whole group of Doll guys that HATE me) But the fact that this boyfriend doesn't like me is not surprising really, since he told me he divorced his FOURTH wife because he hated her son. AND he just happens to be estranged from his only daughter, but still has a stellar relationship with his son. I suppose as long as he makes my Mother happy and does right by her- I can't ask for more. Truth is, I couldn't give a fuck about him I care only about my mother. I just wish she would let me do more than help her out financially and buy her gifts. I hope the email I sent today is met with a good reception. I'm worried she will stop talking to me altogether, or that her cruddy boyfriend doesn't tell me when she dies.

Anyway, I realize this was a SUPER depressing blog entry but it is where my life is at this moment. I won't be writing about my Mothers illness again, but I may share a happy memory or two. Of course you will know when she passes away... lets hope it's not for a long time.

*So if you've read this far- thanks for putting up with my 'Debbie Downer' blog entry, I promise the next one will be focused on other aspects of life and my photography.

**the above photos are of Chinatown NYC. My mother never cared for my dolls (big or small) or pictures of them to be honest. But she has always LOVED my other work- like my environmental portraits and my black and white photos. So here are two of my favorites that I shot over the summer.

with a little help from my friends...

Sometimes the weirdest shit happens.


Not too long ago, I was contacted by a magazine editor. It's a New York based fashion magazine that I have been buying on and off for the past 6 years or so. Anyway, the editor contacts me about doing a shoot for the magazine and asks for a meeting. Of course I oblige, and show up ready for anything.

Damn good thing I was too!!!


As it turned out he wanted to use my dolls with some other photographer!!!! Are you serious? Wow. And in case I wasn't completely insulted- he had the gumption to say (and I'm quoting here), "I never even thought to use you as the photographer".


plunk!



That was my ego smashing on the floor! He even mentioned a photographer that has nothing over me in skill or talent. But here's the funny part... he said everything I shot with the dolls has been done before, and he wanted to do something different- like body painting. HA HA HAHAHAHhahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Body painting? You mean like they do every year in Sports Illustrated?


Needless to say, I declined.




*the above pics are of Saglara and a bunch of lovedolls.

Best thing I never had...

*the above pics are of my good friend Meagan, I've known her for about 4 years and only recently did I photograph her. I still wonder what the fuck took me so long?


oh well... better late than never



:)

TriBeCa Rules...

What can I say about Tribeca?

It's the best place in NYC to live. The other evening I saw John Stewart sitting on a stoop texting. I saw Natalie Portman walking her dog- and a year later pregnant walking with her new man. Even JayZ talks it up in a song. Of all the places in NYC to be, this place feels most like a slice of suburbia- though it looks nothing like it.

Strollers, trees, dogs and cobblestone...

Yep, Tribeca rules.


*the above pic is of the very well known Collister Street, taken at dusk. There are NO PHOTOSHOP TRICKS! This is the pic in all it's glory.The shadowy figure is my sweet husband doing the modeling thing!





**This is a cell phone pic of the paparazzi just outside of my window. My doorman shoo'd them away, but they were waiting to take pics of Natalie Portman. I feel a little protective of her, she's tiny but also she subleased the apartment right above me while she was filming Black Swan. The paparazzi sucks.... stalker scum!

The Edge...

During my loooong lapse in tending to this blog, much has happened. For starters, I had foot surgery- which SUCKED! But I'm almost all better now and soon I can wear heels for more than a couple of hours. Actually, now that I think about it I'm probably not supposed to be wearing them this soon after the surgery. Oh well, I'm doing fine and that's all there is to that chapter.

In last last few months, I took a class at Parsons New School for black and white film. I enjoyed being in the darkroom VERY much, and shooting film of my City was a wonderful challenge that was much needed. I shot strangers with their permission. I actually approached them asked, took a pic and then engaged in conversation before shooting another pic. I approached many different type of people and all of them were oddly enough born and raised in or around the Five Boroughs. When I scan the film to disc, I will upload some of these portraits just in case anybody wants to see them.

And also, since were on the subject of life and all... I should mention that the Hubby and I are at our strongest we've ever been. I love him and being married to him is my single greatest source of happiness. He is my world, and I'm lucky to have a bond with a human like the one we share. Recently Beyonce (the singer/artist) released a couple of songs off of her new album early and one of them is called 1+1. That song embodies where we're at. And I'm thankful for it every moment of the day.

Well, I've got junk to do and so I'm off for now. But I have a feeling this blog will resurrect in a most positive way. As my life has turned a corner and the view from here is paradise.












*The above photo was shot in Tribeca NYC, with a model named Daniela. I had shot her many times before, but never like this.

Everyone Get's a Turn...

Sneaking back in here... hope you don't mind.



hugs!
Stacy

sister do you know my name?

I wonder what ever happened to my step sister Ahni. My mother's second husband, Chuck, had a daughter named Andrea.... but she liked to be called Ahni. Her real name was actually Andrea M. Mark. and her family was from Idaho. Boise to be exact.

Anyway, we were a month apart in age. I was older. Turned out before he met my mother- Ahni's father used to physically abuse her. About four years into their marriage, he began to get increasingly hostile towards my Mom. One day he snapped, and turned a gun on himself and then on my mother. He was a bona fide nut. I called the cops on him (I was in 6th grade and we lived on Long Island). This was the last straw. We were free of him, but not before he tried to beat up my mother.

It backfired.


My mother damn near tore Chuck's eye out! My Mom just about beat the shit out of him!!!! HA! She called a "friend" of hers and he picked us up in his nice mob style sedan (turns out this guy had been courting my Mom for awhile). He took us to Brooklyn bought us some clean clothes and toothbrushes and that was that.


So there you have it, I think about Ahni from time to time and wonder if she is still alive. I've tried to google her name, but nothing comes up. History tells me that people who are totally off the grid- are probably dead. I mean, that's what happened with David and Patty so why would the outcome be any different now?




just wondering and maybe just a little rambling too...



*the above pics are of me and a Realdoll. I photoshopped my wrinkles to make me look a bit younger. I mean, fuck I'm almost 40! getting old has it drawbacks, but I'll take it over the other option. Once again the blog title is a White Stripe's song. I don't know if you noticed, but I do that from time to time.

Rag and Bone

I wish I knew how to embed a link to song into my posts. I keep wanting to add a link when I use a song title, but I am CLUELESS! Anyway, the title of this entry is a song from the White Stripes, listen to it if you can. I love Jack White and anything he does. He is currently filling all five slots in my "free fuck pass list".





more of my fun day spent shooting Victoria...




:)

*the above pic is victoria posing with a couple of BoyToy dolls.

Icky Thump

Shooting some personal work with a friend trumps anything, anytime- any day of the week. This is supposed to be touchy subject matter. Thank you Victoria, for your tremendous effort!






*the above pic is victoria, just wanted to share...

Realdoll Rules!

*the above photos are my generation 2 Realdolls. The male doll is named Devon and the female is Valentina. I love how the new skeleton poses, I hope they work it out so they can make it support the weight of a full size male doll... I would LOVE it!

because some people are stupid...

-A doll company is born.
-They ask us to invest, we decline.
-Instead we buy a doll from them with two heads. ALL for full price, the same as any customer did at the time.
-We were also offered a stand for free. As were the other first 5 customers.
-I receive my 1st doll from said company and take MANY photographs.
-I allow the new doll company to use all of the photos to sell their dolls. For free.
-I am offered a male doll on a discount. I paid $3800 for a $5000 doll, that's a $1200 discount.
-There was no contract for the discount, just a receipt and a cashed personal check.
-I attempt to sell a doll because I HAD to. My husband gave me an ultimatum.
-I chose to sell their doll, because it was THE ONLY doll I payed for. ALL of my other dolls at the time were given to me for free by the manufacturers in exchange for photos to use on their respective websites.
-The doll company sent me a curt email, saying I have damaged their business by trying to sell the doll.
-The second head for the doll arrives MONTHS after the doll itself does. It has ugly 'Groucho Mark' eyebrows, even though I requested it have none. And remember, I paid FULL PRICE.
-Months pass and eventually the email updates on my male doll order cease.
-Almost a year later I recieve a contract written by the CEO, that says for the discounted doll I must:
*Give the doll company 10 different doll photo shoots consisting of 6 to 8 photos each over the next 8 months.
*Or, if I still want the doll I must pay the $1200 difference.
-I accidentally lose the contract/letter written by the CEO of the company while in San Diego shooting for a competitor.
-The male doll is ordered to be discontinued by court order due to the lawsuit.
-Over 1 year later, and I still don't have a doll...
-Or a stand.
-Or my money.






SOME IMPORTANT FACTS:
-I have a rule, free doll= free pics. I generally shoot about 35 photos in varying looks and styles in return for the free doll.
-I have what is known as a "Day Rate". It is my daily pay as a photographer. I charge more than $1000 a day. To offer me a $1200 discount for 80 photos is fucking INSANE. But then so is suing your former employee!!
-When the doll company came to fruition, we were considered friends. But after I put their doll up for sale, they turned on me.

That company is LovableDolls, and they have chosen to sue their former employer Realdoll. They lost all but one count, and that was decided by a jury of their peers. They still use my photos and even put my name on their website so that if you do a google search on me- their website shows up.


I have a load of disdain for them. Really I do. They are very bad people, and I allowed them to use me. Shame on me!



*lesson learned*